Always and Forever

I may not write professionally, but what I do know is that I write with whatever intensity my emotion has while I type furiously at the keyboard or write at full speed to jot down what I truly feel. I don’t write as frequently as I would hope, but when I do, I write with all my heart and soul I can offer.  

Hence, reading past messages from me to my (now) ex-boyfriend quite jarred me -- I was completely in love with him.

I mean, I know I love him, I still do.  I know that much. But I never thought it was that deep and lingering and…sweet -- and passionate. As I was browsing through my sent emails, trying to find it in me if I could erase them, I decided to read through them one by one just to see what I had written and to let what we had permeate through me.  But what I read completely took me by surprise. I was in love. I was completely and utterly in love.

I know it’s not the most comforting thing in the world right now. I just went through a breakup of my own doing, and coming face to face with the past isn’t really the right thing to do as of the moment. (i.e. it may influence my decisions, blah) But, oddly enough, a sense of relief washed over me.

What I’m doing isn’t wrong – neither is it right. But I do know that I have to do this; that I am doing it for the both of us, even though we may not see it clearly now. I know some people won’t understand, but it is something that concerns me as well. I had to get out before my issues hurt the both of us in the long run.

But that is not why I’m relieved. I’m relieved because at least I know that what we felt was real; what I felt for him was real. And, even as we try to move on with our lives as strangers like we were before we met, I know I will always hold that in my heart; that what we had wasn’t ‘just something’ – that, for a time, it was everything. At least I know that even though we will be going our separate ways, we once had a love that was true and gut-wrenching and almost unbreakable -- something that freed us from the harsh realities of the world when we sought solace in each other. At least, even if someday we pass by each other at a street or at a mall, wearing a different kind of smile we knew from before and, possibly, another person linked in our arms, we once knew that kind of love -- our love.

And that, at the very least, will forever remain with me – even if ‘we’ didn’t reach always and forever.

New Start!

Typical Filipino room with an electric fan, wooden sliding windows, and wooden flooring

Yesterday I decided to clean my room.

BUT WAIT! There's more. ;)

What's better is that I cleaned for a total of 7 hours (4 hours, break, then 3 hours) without sleep and without food. LOL. Isn't that just awesome?

No. I was just feeling miserable so I think I decided to punish myself. Masochist, eh? But still, at least it was a productive misery, right? ha ha. Well, it didn't start off as punishment, but it certainly became one. I mean, 7 hours? C'mon. You're probably thinking I could've cleaned the whole house with that amount of time. Well, my room has been uninhabited for about a year now, and my room has experienced no cleaning -- and I do mean NO cleaning whatsoever in that span of time. Any kind of cleaning at all? Naught. Not even arranging things. It just became a sort of dressing room for me.

Anyway, now that you know I'm a slob, here are some photos a day after major cleaning day:

Too bad I didn't take a 'before' picture. I swear, without any exaggerations, that you would not recognize it as a room by a girl (but the pink walls are a give-away). You'd think it was a warehouse with the mountain of clothes and bags on the bed and on the floor, shoes just tossed aside after use.You get the picture /dignose

I don't really name my stuffed toys (except this one teddy bear that has been with my since babyhood. I named him Nathan), didn't know where to put these, so this white tiger stuffed toy was wearing Tootsie's cone of shame and my two wacky headbands. 

YES, INDEED! (I hope)

One of my favorite authors -- Philippa Gregory! I've read all her Tudor novels and her The Cousins' War novels. I actually read some books of hers in this Powerbooks branch entirely free! /wahaha Others I've read in PDF format, so I didn't buy them anymore. Although if I do get a job, I plan on buying all her books though I have already read them

Already discarded some clothes that I wasn't using, a LOT are in the laundry basket, yet I still couldn't fit  them all inside my closet. So, why do I ALWAYS have nothing to wear when going out?? O_O

My growing collection of novels. Incomplete 'cause I couldn't find the others.  Started liking novels around freshman or sophomore year in college hence, my writing has improved since then. I am now an official fan of books (especially historical ones). I have a small book collection, but I've finished a lot of books at Powerbooks for free (LOL) and have read more in PDF format. I so want a private library when I get rich.

And what do you know? I found a LOT of interesting things in my pile of stuff. It was like a blast from the past!

Me and my best bud's final project for our Humanities course.  Prof was so mad at us when we tried to boycott her class 'cause we thought it was already free cut (also got the go signal from our block rep) And it was me, my best friend, and our other friend who ran into her. A lot of our block mates already left. As we were about to go down the stairs, the elevator doors opened and there was our professor. She looked at the bags we were carrying and with a baffled look, questioned us as to where we were going. We were stunned in our place. It was so terrifying especially for a freshman. We felt like we were in a horror movie of some sort. LOL. She was oozing with anger when she called everyone back. But on hindsight, it was pretty hilarious. /nobigdeal

Good time, good times.

Historical fiction & non-fiction books area :]

By the end of the day, I was sore ALL OVER. Carrying thick high school books, piles of clothes, and everything else are no walk in the park. I appreciate our house help more now. -_- I wonder if anyone else's room is as messy as mine was? LOL

One week hiatus, she says.....

Well, so much for one week. It ended up being more than 3 months! Whew.

/sweat

Honestly, I haven't been into blogging that much lately. When I was younger I used to love it, but now I prefer writing in journals whenever I would want to rant about something or if I want to let something out of my system (i.e. expressions of anger or melancholy, you get the drift). But since finals are over and it's already our summer break, might as well update my blog that has been gathering dust in the internet world. (If such a thing is possible, hehe)

As you can see, I tweaked my blog a little (a lot) just to 'girl' things up a bit. I found my blog's former colour scheme a little too.... morose. lol. So I added more touches of pink here and there to keep it a bit more upbeat without deviating too much from my preferred colour scheme.

Hmmm.... what else have I been up to lately.....

Ah! I found this twitter account that tweets from the bizarre to the funny to the downright nasty scandals/rumours/facts about history's famous figures. His/her account's name is @historyweird, you should follow it. It's really interesting. And by interesting I meant I spent 3 hours deeply enmeshed and highly entertained by this page. haha! It really is a source of recreation for me, reading these types of information, especially since I am a huge history fan (with emphasis on Japanese and English history). If you visit my twitter account, I am following at least 20 twitter accounts devoted solely to tweeting historical facts. LOL. How nerdy can you get, right? I don't know what about history that draws me in. Maybe the enigma of it all. Or the tragedy. Or even the possibilities (a lot of what if's). My best friend's boyfriend once told her that he believes in reincarnation (I do, too, actually) and that when we feel a strong, unexplained connection to a person or a place or anything, it means that in our past life/lives we were strongly connected to that person/object/place. I have a very strong, unexplained fascination with English and Japanese history, so what does that make me? LOL. My best friend tells me her boyfriend theorizes that I must have lived there in my past life or I may have been strongly connected to that place. Logic may not agree, but I would like to think so. A romantic idea, don't you think?

Well anyway, I think I have rambled on a little bit too much despite saying I prefer writing on journals. haha! Just think of it as sharing some interesting (I hope) tidbits that I've picked up along my hiatus. I will try to update my blog with reviews, tutorials, or, God forbid, more ramblings! lol.

To end it, here's a funny sample of his/her tweets:

1631: Charles I's royal printers cause outrage when they print hundreds of Bibles, missing the 'not' from 'Thou shalt not commit adultery'.

RANT

Blogger, why can't I post any comments on any blogger page??? It keeps saying choose a profile, BUT THERE'S ALWAYS NONE TO CHOOSE FROM. =D>

Blagh

I kind of don't want to sleep even though I'm already sleepy because I know sleep seems so short and when I wake up tomorrow (later) it's already the start of second semester, and I am both excited and nervous about it at the same time.

Excited because I could be more productive and I've chosen to do well in my studies so I can graduate already and nervous because of the same thing -- I'm a bit frightened that I won't do well and that I won't meet my own expectations. I want to prove other people wrong and show them I can do it; if I put my mind to it, I can be great as well. But I'm scared I won't live up to that anymore. Looks like I haven't gotten my self-confidence back fully. *sigh*

We're also putting up this org for animal welfare and the environment in our college, so the first hurdle is to get it approved. And since I'm going to be the president, juggling that with the added responsibilities is a bit terrifying. I could do all the preparations hands down, but I'm not a very charismatic person and I'm socially awkward, so that's going to be my main problem.

Then I realized, the word "fear" (and its synonyms) can be found in this post almost everywhere you look. Isn't fear supposed to be a great motivation?

So, I decided to think of my future and how bleak it'll look if I don't pull myself together -- where I'll end up, where my friends will be while I'm struggling to make ends meet, the shame and the financial burden it'll place on my family and me. Those things are more frightening than all my earlier fears, so I've decided to just suck it up and get my act together! C'mon, Nicole. YOU CAN DO THIS.

AJA!!

Now the very first hurdle is to get up at 6 in the morning for my 9 am class.

... -_-;

Can I Just Share?

I really hate feeling inadequate.

Letters to Juliet

A while ago I was watching Letters to Juliet, a movie about finding true love. It was a pretty feel-good movie; overall it was mighty entertaining to watch.

But really, what struck me the most about the movie was the line "...if what you felt then was love; true love -- then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now?"

True. When you brand it true, then it is and will forever be truthful. True gold, true diamond – there is a reason these objects have the ‘word’ true in them. They last forever.


In conjunction with that, a quote from one of the most brilliant professors I have ever had the pleasure of encountering in my Teaching of Literature class came to mind. She told us that there is beauty in truth. So, in truth, you can find beauty as well. Which begs the question: why does everyone want to find aesthetic salvation in beauty creams and mystical creatures with fangs from story books when you can achieve all the beauty in the world in yourself; in your own words, and in your actions? If you want to be beautiful forever, be true – true to your heart, true to yourself, and true to the people around you. Be truthful in the things you say; the information you disseminate, and the counsel you share. (And no, no one's really trying to press everyone to be honest and keep spewing the almost-always hurtful truth all the time. But really, saying something -- the truth, a lie, a fiction -- to someone has a lot of responsibility involved) What is true today will still be true in a thousand days. If truth is beautiful, and truth is immortal, have we not found the fountain of youth?

Being truthful may not be the way to flawless skin, but it is a remarkable way to a healthy character. And, as the saying goes, “Character is more important, because it is who you are – reputation is only what people think you are”. And certainly it may not be the easiest method, but that makes it all the more worth it, doesn't it? Again, not pressing any issues here. (I doubt if anyone in this planet says the truth all the time owing much thanks to social ethics and a thick hide) Just some thought to mull over.

And you thought I was going to talk about love.

I miss admiring the sun rise with a good cup of coffee on hand.

Sha-na-na.

I'm about to have a zit on my nose!! :(( This is what I get for sleeping with make up on. Ah, procrastination, must you follow me everywhere?

Helloooo!

Okay, with the help of a dear cousin, I have FINALLY set up my very own blogspot account. *yayy*

So you're probably wondering what this blog will be all about. Well, I'm not really sure yet. lol. But it would most likely be about daily (blog-worthy) events, recipes ('cause I love conjuring up dishes in the kitchen), make-up, fashion adventures, and photos of my two lovely pets! Hihi. I'll probably be posting some trivia here. I'll get to you on that.

Anyway, I still got some school works I need to do before daybreak so, wish me luck!

(Btw, I just gotta share, I so love Teaching of Literature class. Leaves such a good feeling inside. <3 Oh and, I'm a Psychology major, not an Education major. Just in case you were wondering. :)

SHOUTOUT TO ANGELA ANDRES FOR MAKING THIS HAPPEN!! HAHAHA XD