Always and Forever

I may not write professionally, but what I do know is that I write with whatever intensity my emotion has while I type furiously at the keyboard or write at full speed to jot down what I truly feel. I don’t write as frequently as I would hope, but when I do, I write with all my heart and soul I can offer.  

Hence, reading past messages from me to my (now) ex-boyfriend quite jarred me -- I was completely in love with him.

I mean, I know I love him, I still do.  I know that much. But I never thought it was that deep and lingering and…sweet -- and passionate. As I was browsing through my sent emails, trying to find it in me if I could erase them, I decided to read through them one by one just to see what I had written and to let what we had permeate through me.  But what I read completely took me by surprise. I was in love. I was completely and utterly in love.

I know it’s not the most comforting thing in the world right now. I just went through a breakup of my own doing, and coming face to face with the past isn’t really the right thing to do as of the moment. (i.e. it may influence my decisions, blah) But, oddly enough, a sense of relief washed over me.

What I’m doing isn’t wrong – neither is it right. But I do know that I have to do this; that I am doing it for the both of us, even though we may not see it clearly now. I know some people won’t understand, but it is something that concerns me as well. I had to get out before my issues hurt the both of us in the long run.

But that is not why I’m relieved. I’m relieved because at least I know that what we felt was real; what I felt for him was real. And, even as we try to move on with our lives as strangers like we were before we met, I know I will always hold that in my heart; that what we had wasn’t ‘just something’ – that, for a time, it was everything. At least I know that even though we will be going our separate ways, we once had a love that was true and gut-wrenching and almost unbreakable -- something that freed us from the harsh realities of the world when we sought solace in each other. At least, even if someday we pass by each other at a street or at a mall, wearing a different kind of smile we knew from before and, possibly, another person linked in our arms, we once knew that kind of love -- our love.

And that, at the very least, will forever remain with me – even if ‘we’ didn’t reach always and forever.